On a scale from 1 to busy, how busy are you right now?

Answer: Like a 4.

This is honestly a conversation I had with one of my friends this morning. I wasn’t (and I’m still not sure) where a 4 lies on this scale, but I went ahead and started chatting with my friend anyways.

I saw my roommate this morning for the first time in exactly a month. She’s been in Europe traveling and going to conferences/workshops and I’ve clearly done nothing but kill the planet with my endless flights to and from New York. I was wearing my pjs (aka boxers and a t-shirt). She saw a nasty bruise on my leg and my arm, because my pjs only cover so much skin, and said, “It’s good to know your friend is still beating you.” True story, the same friend went abroad for a month and bam all my bruises were gone. I forget if I was getting bruised more when he got back but whatever. I bruise easily. I should also probably mention that I got the bruise on my leg while I was kayaking and the bruise on my arm fighting with a MARTA train door. No one hits me.

New subject. I wish I was more fearless. The idea of doing certain things, having difficult conversations with people literally gives me chills and makes my heart race, but not in a “oh boy! new and fun exciting thing to do!” way but in a “Oh god, I’m going to die,” way. Even as I sit here now, just writing this out is making me nervous. For instance, there is this professor that I want to work with but she left UCD. It took me like 3 months to gather the courage to go and talk to her. I spoke with her on her last day here. I keep thinking about what if I spoke with her in March? Would my situation be different? I’m sure it would be. I might have been able to start working for her then and not be in the situation that I’m in now which is in this realm of uncertainty, which I hate.

I laugh at the irony of it all. I love songs and artists who talk about and symbolize individuality, speaking your mind, being yourself, or taking risks — but I have such a difficult time doing that in my own life, when it matters. I have no problem speaking my mind when I know I’m going to be the only voice in the room saying one thing when everyone else believes another. However, I am trying to get better at this whole thing.

Who knows? It might work out.



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